In the dark

What a long blog silence. Still no internet at home, hopefully soon.

It's been possibly the toughest week in my entire life. Week ago I got shocking, unexpected news from back home. Not being able to do anything but wait for more news, worrying and worrying some more. Being behind terrible phone lines, being in the dark a lot of the time despite the sunny days, has not helped. On top of that hands full of work, children's schooling, trying to progress with life in general here. Trying to carry on as if everything was still normal. Failing, stepping with a heavy heart into all the new experiences that we face in every day life, unfortunately not being able to greet them with the same openness and enthusiasm that there was before. Meeting people, facing the new and yet finding I cannot spare much - enough - of myself. I am holding back, and am left with a feeling of shallowness.

Slowly, slowly, like water dropping off a broken tap, better news reach me. Slowly I begin to feel like being able to look around myself with open eyes again, like I am suppose to be doing. And yet, guilt of not being where my loved ones are shadows me, and the fear that there'll be something more torments my whole existance and undermines all the reasons I came so far. Not being strong enough now when I am suppose to be, lays its shadow over the illusion of being invinsible, unbreakable.